A letter to a good friend

For the past few months I have experienced a complicated and complex variety of emotions. Not only have I suffered the temporary pains of leaving the familiar, but I have also felt an intolerable soreness within me as I try to make sense of the injustices I witness, and understand the constant turmoil that plagues my heart. It shames me to admit that I have spent a vast majority of my time in China running from my fears and insecurities, not able to face the agony that I saw before me. Yet somehow this internal angst has indeed bred empowerment within me. I feel as though I can view my objectives more clearly and with a stronger means. I have additional control, control which I previously lacked. At times I had allowed myself to become blinded, but now I understand that the changes I seek lie in the hardships I must face, the confusion, the strangeness and the shadows. I have faith in the Love that has always guided my heart. And perhaps what has been the most valuable treasure that China has bestowed upon me is the realization that within me lives a great power, an energy that has no limitations, one which vibrates its strongest in the face of adversity.
I thank you my dear friend for the love you have shown me, for the teachings I have received and for the friendship that I needed… May our last month provide only a continuing point for us and our journeys ahead.
Sasha

So I guess I still have a blog....

It has literally been too long since I have written to have any hope that this blog will survive. I have found that my best recording has been with pen and paper or my handy camera lens. Yes it is indeed my pictures that are my redeeming quality...While I doubt many of you are even still out there I do apologize for not being a better blogger...but chances are you all have your own lives to get back to and the fact that you have one less thing to check in the mornings probably makes your day a little lighter...you are welcome!

To entertain those who some how stayed loyal I would like to inform you that I had a wonderful spring break in which I traveled to Dali and Lijiang...I did many things, most I have already forgotten. But the things I do never stick with me long, some how I have managed to hold on to the wonderful feelings that I received from each place and experience...
From now on I plan to work my ass of to finish the semester, I will try and keep you updated on anything interesting that may occur between now and my return home. Since I have but only four weeks left in China and likely will not use this blog any longer afterwords I would like to thank those who did read and those who are waiting for me back home...see you soon

Am I happy yet?!?

What I have been feeling since I arrived has indeed put a constant strain on my heart, but I do not think that it is all for nothing, and while I flinch every time I hear someone tell me "well at least you are having an experience," because they really have no idea (and I am not fond of this method of compassion) I do have a better understanding of my own situation.
I have begun to look at my happiness as relatively as I can, and not hold it hostage while comparing it to what I think should make me happy. This out look really only intensifies my lack of contentment for pretty much every aspect in life...
I feel like generally speaking happiness is only a momentary phenomena, which seems like a shame as we spend most of our existence searching for it in some form or another...but I do feel like there has to be something just within grasp of our conceptional thought, but out of reach so far as finding a means of language that would best explain what I guess, for lack of better words would be called "true happiness." It would be a shame to think that this concept would be such a distant one, indeed I hope that it isn't so out of reach.
Honestly I feel like it would be something that once we find, we often lose. Which is maybe why we are always trying to find its replacement, rather than study how to maintain it.
As lame as it sounds even as I type it now, I think that this feeling must be the product of love. I don't think that being in love always makes you happy, but when you love, you stop caring about momentary things like happiness...

Perhaps my frustration comes from the fact that I am on a constant seach for something more lasting than just the temporary happiness we tell ourselves we need...

Study abroad means little more to me than the superficial experience it has been. I really don't care to elaborate, but if my experience is to be measured by the intensity of my classes then perhaps I would have been better suited for just studying harder back home. I am embarrassed to have only now come to this realization, but as I am here for another two months I suppose I will continue to preform the same mindless tasks that I would as if I were back in the States, minus the western style toilets and better air quality. Next time I opt to go solo...I am tired of this shit.

What is so hard about Change

Last night I was talking to Nick, Max and Qin Laoshi over dinner. I think I have had a much skewed outlook on my life...Max said something profound to me. He said that when we are back home we can come out of ourselves and we can explore that which is around us, but when we come here it is much harder to do, so for safety we turn inward...for me I was scared at what I found...he said that for him after a while he was able to turn back out and see with a new perceptive. Once he chose to turn back inward he said he turned, this time, to his heart and to the universe inside him...I think that this is why I am here....Why out of all the spaces in the world I could occupy, I am here. So much of what I think of myself and about the world is false and even dangerous...Change is perhaps the hardest thing I will have to do while I am here. Or maybe changing isn't the most difficult part, but maintaining that feeling once I find it. To promote it, to accept that some wont like it. To keep faith in myself and in truth...or the the hardest part may just be overcoming the fear that has festered and spread throughout me for so long.

Ehh...

Could it be possible that life has been so uninteresting that I have been unable to update you as of late?
Nah, the truth is I have been rather distracted by emotions and illness to find time to keep you all informed. I hope a quick summary will suffice.
Home sickness has taken a firm hold of me recently and if that was not unbearable enough food poisoning took care of any strength I may have managed to hold on to. Still I have found recovery in putting my I-pod on random and getting though the day with Jack Johnson singing softly in my ear.
On the brighter side we celebrated Qin laoshi's birthday by making Jiaozi and relaxing. Last weekend we also went to XiShan a beautiful mountain about an hour from our school. Still weak from my night of barfing, I climbed slowly to the top and found a humble appreciation for the scenery. Afterwords we made our way to an environmental enthusiasts outdoor labratory, where he himself tested methods to clean polluted water which he hoped to empoy to clean up a near by and heavily polluted lake.
Its best to leave you here, I will return one all aspects of life improve.

The Chinese are pathetic

I have never felt the kind of smallness that I felt today. Recently I have been an inwardly emotional wreck and have lacked the ambition to do much of anything besides feel lost. However I gained a great deal of perspective today when I saw Qin Laoshi cry.
We had just finished our film series on the cultural revolution in China, ending today with a film that depicted the student protests of the Communist government in the 70's and 80's. That was when Qin laoshi stood up to speak, but the film must have evoked such memory for her that she was unable to hold back her tears. From her response I realized so much about my own life and how truly lucky I am that somewhere in my desk back at my host familys is an American passport.
One man from the documentary, a student who had participated in the protests, spoke chilling words that I am sure will stay with all of us, he said " The Chinese are pathetic, when I die I will never want to be born Chinese, there is no life for you if you are Chinese." I was surprised at first to hear this come from a Chinese person, becuase earlier in the week I had joked with a friend about not ever wanting to be Chinese. "It just must be so terrible" we thought
Like many countries China has such a deep and painful history, one that I am only now becoming fimilar with and perhaps it is ignorance on my part to have not realized the impact Mao and other players in history have had on China and its people. I suppose that I can never fully understand the effects of this tragic history the way the Chinese people do today.
I did however realized today that never in my life have I had to fear for my personal freedoms, unlike so many others in this world, and for this all I can really feel is utter relief.