I have never felt the kind of smallness that I felt today. Recently I have been an inwardly emotional wreck and have lacked the ambition to do much of anything besides feel lost. However I gained a great deal of perspective today when I saw Qin Laoshi cry.
We had just finished our film series on the cultural revolution in China, ending today with a film that depicted the student protests of the Communist government in the 70's and 80's. That was when Qin laoshi stood up to speak, but the film must have evoked such memory for her that she was unable to hold back her tears. From her response I realized so much about my own life and how truly lucky I am that somewhere in my desk back at my host familys is an American passport.
One man from the documentary, a student who had participated in the protests, spoke chilling words that I am sure will stay with all of us, he said " The Chinese are pathetic, when I die I will never want to be born Chinese, there is no life for you if you are Chinese." I was surprised at first to hear this come from a Chinese person, becuase earlier in the week I had joked with a friend about not ever wanting to be Chinese. "It just must be so terrible" we thought
Like many countries China has such a deep and painful history, one that I am only now becoming fimilar with and perhaps it is ignorance on my part to have not realized the impact Mao and other players in history have had on China and its people. I suppose that I can never fully understand the effects of this tragic history the way the Chinese people do today.
I did however realized today that never in my life have I had to fear for my personal freedoms, unlike so many others in this world, and for this all I can really feel is utter relief.
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I am always glad when you learn a life lesson, but am also sad when they are so hard, what you are experiencing will be very helpful for you though, like me realizing what a difference there was right here in America between me and the way I was treated and the way Black people were treated when I was growing up. It will change and complicate your life but you will be the richer for it.
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