A letter to a good friend

For the past few months I have experienced a complicated and complex variety of emotions. Not only have I suffered the temporary pains of leaving the familiar, but I have also felt an intolerable soreness within me as I try to make sense of the injustices I witness, and understand the constant turmoil that plagues my heart. It shames me to admit that I have spent a vast majority of my time in China running from my fears and insecurities, not able to face the agony that I saw before me. Yet somehow this internal angst has indeed bred empowerment within me. I feel as though I can view my objectives more clearly and with a stronger means. I have additional control, control which I previously lacked. At times I had allowed myself to become blinded, but now I understand that the changes I seek lie in the hardships I must face, the confusion, the strangeness and the shadows. I have faith in the Love that has always guided my heart. And perhaps what has been the most valuable treasure that China has bestowed upon me is the realization that within me lives a great power, an energy that has no limitations, one which vibrates its strongest in the face of adversity.
I thank you my dear friend for the love you have shown me, for the teachings I have received and for the friendship that I needed… May our last month provide only a continuing point for us and our journeys ahead.
Sasha

So I guess I still have a blog....

It has literally been too long since I have written to have any hope that this blog will survive. I have found that my best recording has been with pen and paper or my handy camera lens. Yes it is indeed my pictures that are my redeeming quality...While I doubt many of you are even still out there I do apologize for not being a better blogger...but chances are you all have your own lives to get back to and the fact that you have one less thing to check in the mornings probably makes your day a little lighter...you are welcome!

To entertain those who some how stayed loyal I would like to inform you that I had a wonderful spring break in which I traveled to Dali and Lijiang...I did many things, most I have already forgotten. But the things I do never stick with me long, some how I have managed to hold on to the wonderful feelings that I received from each place and experience...
From now on I plan to work my ass of to finish the semester, I will try and keep you updated on anything interesting that may occur between now and my return home. Since I have but only four weeks left in China and likely will not use this blog any longer afterwords I would like to thank those who did read and those who are waiting for me back home...see you soon

Am I happy yet?!?

What I have been feeling since I arrived has indeed put a constant strain on my heart, but I do not think that it is all for nothing, and while I flinch every time I hear someone tell me "well at least you are having an experience," because they really have no idea (and I am not fond of this method of compassion) I do have a better understanding of my own situation.
I have begun to look at my happiness as relatively as I can, and not hold it hostage while comparing it to what I think should make me happy. This out look really only intensifies my lack of contentment for pretty much every aspect in life...
I feel like generally speaking happiness is only a momentary phenomena, which seems like a shame as we spend most of our existence searching for it in some form or another...but I do feel like there has to be something just within grasp of our conceptional thought, but out of reach so far as finding a means of language that would best explain what I guess, for lack of better words would be called "true happiness." It would be a shame to think that this concept would be such a distant one, indeed I hope that it isn't so out of reach.
Honestly I feel like it would be something that once we find, we often lose. Which is maybe why we are always trying to find its replacement, rather than study how to maintain it.
As lame as it sounds even as I type it now, I think that this feeling must be the product of love. I don't think that being in love always makes you happy, but when you love, you stop caring about momentary things like happiness...

Perhaps my frustration comes from the fact that I am on a constant seach for something more lasting than just the temporary happiness we tell ourselves we need...

Study abroad means little more to me than the superficial experience it has been. I really don't care to elaborate, but if my experience is to be measured by the intensity of my classes then perhaps I would have been better suited for just studying harder back home. I am embarrassed to have only now come to this realization, but as I am here for another two months I suppose I will continue to preform the same mindless tasks that I would as if I were back in the States, minus the western style toilets and better air quality. Next time I opt to go solo...I am tired of this shit.

What is so hard about Change

Last night I was talking to Nick, Max and Qin Laoshi over dinner. I think I have had a much skewed outlook on my life...Max said something profound to me. He said that when we are back home we can come out of ourselves and we can explore that which is around us, but when we come here it is much harder to do, so for safety we turn inward...for me I was scared at what I found...he said that for him after a while he was able to turn back out and see with a new perceptive. Once he chose to turn back inward he said he turned, this time, to his heart and to the universe inside him...I think that this is why I am here....Why out of all the spaces in the world I could occupy, I am here. So much of what I think of myself and about the world is false and even dangerous...Change is perhaps the hardest thing I will have to do while I am here. Or maybe changing isn't the most difficult part, but maintaining that feeling once I find it. To promote it, to accept that some wont like it. To keep faith in myself and in truth...or the the hardest part may just be overcoming the fear that has festered and spread throughout me for so long.

Ehh...

Could it be possible that life has been so uninteresting that I have been unable to update you as of late?
Nah, the truth is I have been rather distracted by emotions and illness to find time to keep you all informed. I hope a quick summary will suffice.
Home sickness has taken a firm hold of me recently and if that was not unbearable enough food poisoning took care of any strength I may have managed to hold on to. Still I have found recovery in putting my I-pod on random and getting though the day with Jack Johnson singing softly in my ear.
On the brighter side we celebrated Qin laoshi's birthday by making Jiaozi and relaxing. Last weekend we also went to XiShan a beautiful mountain about an hour from our school. Still weak from my night of barfing, I climbed slowly to the top and found a humble appreciation for the scenery. Afterwords we made our way to an environmental enthusiasts outdoor labratory, where he himself tested methods to clean polluted water which he hoped to empoy to clean up a near by and heavily polluted lake.
Its best to leave you here, I will return one all aspects of life improve.

The Chinese are pathetic

I have never felt the kind of smallness that I felt today. Recently I have been an inwardly emotional wreck and have lacked the ambition to do much of anything besides feel lost. However I gained a great deal of perspective today when I saw Qin Laoshi cry.
We had just finished our film series on the cultural revolution in China, ending today with a film that depicted the student protests of the Communist government in the 70's and 80's. That was when Qin laoshi stood up to speak, but the film must have evoked such memory for her that she was unable to hold back her tears. From her response I realized so much about my own life and how truly lucky I am that somewhere in my desk back at my host familys is an American passport.
One man from the documentary, a student who had participated in the protests, spoke chilling words that I am sure will stay with all of us, he said " The Chinese are pathetic, when I die I will never want to be born Chinese, there is no life for you if you are Chinese." I was surprised at first to hear this come from a Chinese person, becuase earlier in the week I had joked with a friend about not ever wanting to be Chinese. "It just must be so terrible" we thought
Like many countries China has such a deep and painful history, one that I am only now becoming fimilar with and perhaps it is ignorance on my part to have not realized the impact Mao and other players in history have had on China and its people. I suppose that I can never fully understand the effects of this tragic history the way the Chinese people do today.
I did however realized today that never in my life have I had to fear for my personal freedoms, unlike so many others in this world, and for this all I can really feel is utter relief.

Rain drops on banana leaves

Imagine this...
You are at the top of an old temple that sits quite high on a small mountain. The temple itself is six stories high and from this vantage point you can see the city of Kunming. In the distance are green rolling mountains partly disguised by the incoming weather which is brought on quickly by the fast blowing wind. With this wind comes the clean smell of rain. People take shelter as the droplets begin to fall.
I have Qin Laoshi to thank for this amazingly tranquil afternoon. She brought a number of us to a Daoist temple today, which if you wish you can expreinece too via pictures I will shortly upload. It was beatuiful and according to Qin Laoshi the perfect place to be during a storm. I think she was right. I wish I could wirite more about the day to share with you friends but I cant seem to put it into words...It was simply a day well spent.
I am sitting in my room now and the storm has taken a more ominous turn as the sun has now set and the lighting strikes very brighty outside my window. Its a good time to relfect on things. I miss you friends

没事

Long time no see, but I have been overwhelmed with a beautiful combination of work, play and exploration! Lets see whats to tell...
Hot Pot...Not so hot! Well actually it was crazy burn your face off hot, but for sure not my kind of thing, as I was sick the following day from over consumption of pepper and God know how many different types of meat juices, (Don't worry, the food here has to make you sick at least once, if it doesn't I think they can withhold your credit).
My language partner Chen Yu Ai is really amazing! She and I are very similar and I can actually understand a majority of what she is saying, so that doesnt hurt the friendship!!
We don't have any plans for an enlightening fieldtrip around Kunming with Qin Laoshi tomorrow.....therefore tonight we are all going out for some Kar-ray-o-KAAAAY!! Lucky for us Gu Laoshi's husband owns the place and promised to show us a good time!!!
Other than that folks life has been going way to fast to record. Though I am in the misted of planning my spring break with Nick, Max and Kyle! We're thinkin' Hainan, a small island off of south China. Its suppose to be like China's Hawaii, which is funny cause we have a resturant in Salem called Hainan Orchid and Chelsea you always thought it was Hawaiian Orchid! You could have very well been right!!
PS
I still cant send email, but can get it and I would love to hear from you guys so shoot me an email if you the chance!

Not even street pee could dampen my spirits

You know the days where you just don't want to get out of bed, this literally was my Monday. Oddly though the God's have smiled upon me, as today was quite full of the bounties of Karma. What holy events helped construct my day?
It began this morning, as I was walking to school with my host Mamma! As we were chatting she pulled out a little pink purse and said I could use it for my coins! How cute is that!??!! Then when I was waiting for class to start Gu Laoshi walked in and alerted me that she had an extra cell phone which she had brought with her to give to me, with a sim card and minutes already installed. Free of Charge, Helllllllll Yesss! After that I ran into my language partner who had some 中国衣服 (Chinese style clothes) for me! Heck Yes I love their fashion!!! On the way home from a long day of boring classes and wonderful luck my host Mama took me to the market outside our apt where I found amazingly cheap food! (Also some weird sites but at this point my day was so awesome I really didn't mind all the raw meat and live animals)
As you may not already know Monday was the start of my language pledge, a contract that I have signed stating that I will not speak English for pretty much forever!... (I should have read the fine print). While this was not the source of my 不好的天 (My Chinglish for Bad Day) it didnt help that I wasnt even able to express my discontent, at least in a way that made sense grammatically. Ah well what is done is most certainly done!
I must admit to you friends that while China is stiumlating, I am suffering from moderate to severe emotional longing. I suppose its a combination of not being able to speak English nor being able to be in the presence of you fine people!
While at times I must say I feel quiet lost without you, everyday is most certainly amazing and I can't say that I would wish it any different!
Did I mention tomorrow is my Host Mamma's birthday! We are going out for Hot Pot (which isn't what you might think) but still it should be pretty fun and will defiantly help get me over the hump of the week!
Theres a lots more to come, but not enough time for now...
XOXO
There is time for this however...You know you are in China when you are walking down the street and three young boys, all lined in a row have thier pants down and are peeing in the street! Aw, not even street pee could dampen my spirits today!!!

Reconstruction of our little minds

What can be said of yesterday? I suppose only pictures can really do it justice, luckily for you friends I will post them shortly on Facebook! I will however do my utmost to describe my experience.

Yesterday Qin Laoshi took the lot of us out to old Kunming where she asked us to be "Animals" and explore the city with no reservation. My animal instinct led me around many interesting places but most memorable to me was a small alley I discovered, where I saw three children leaping over one another trying to catch a plastic water bottle as it rolled down the small back way. To see such utter and genuine happiness really impacted me.
We reassembled at the gates of ZhongAi where she then led us to a portion of the city that was being torn down to make way for modern development. We had the chance to explore the old buildings and homes as well as the market that surrounded them. My friend George, whom is very curious (LOL), led me and Max to a broken building where in the rubble he had found old photographs from the 70's, and a newspaper from 1961 which contained underlined passages and a picture of Mao. Qin Laoshi was touched by his findings, as they were relics from the cultural revolution. She was especially moved, or perhaps haunted, when he showed her a note he had found which was a Party Members self-critique.
After the discovery we spend hours talking about global cultural, political and economic issues and how we all perceived them (including our take on the Olympics in Beijing). As night came, a choice few of us stayed behind with Qin Laoshi and accompanied her to the showing of a indi-Swedish film in the artist district of Kunming, whose theme (at least one of the many we discussed for hours after the film in a small group) pointed out societies lack of passion and accountability.
Needless to say when Max, Nick and I stopped at our favorite bar on the way home we felt a energy flow through us that our minds had not felt in a very long time, if ever.

Following the crowd…wait is that a cliff in the distance?!?

What did I learn Friday night friends? Perhaps you would think it to be obvious but that night I learned that I did not come to China to drink and party with Americans. How did I come to such rational conclusions? In an attempt to make friends and feel simi-normal, I have made a bad habit of surrounding myself with English, and the familiar. On Friday night my classmeates and I took a night on the town, and while I drank little, I observed much. Our adventures led us to the rooftop of a bar and from my vista I could see three things, my party loving classmates in front, the tired city below and the dark sky above. What did I think of all this? I thought, though I was in a very interesting place having a good time, that that wasn't why I had come to China, and most of me, if not all of me felt very let down by myself. I remembered how earlier in the day we had all walked down town speaking English laughing and having a good time, but some how allowing ourselves to over look the city, or at least in my case how the sites made me feel. That day I saw many beggars, some with no arms or legs, some children (one armless child was painting calligraphy with his feet). I saw a large group of blind men and women offering massages for money. I saw a pool where people gathered to fish from. I smelled terrible smells and some interesting ones. I ate fruit on a stick covered in sugar and visited a giant shopping center in seach of lotion (unsuccessfully). I road a crowed city bus and walked a crowed street. I saw how the people all blend and share the city no matter thier ecomomic state. I saw how the city moved, how it breathed and how sometimes it was gasping for air. I saw fine jewelry and antiques. I saw the people who really lived here but I allowed myself to become separted from it...what a tragedy indeed.

Judge not lest ye be judged.

Friends it is my opinion that you don't always have to like someone, but you must still maintain some level of respect with them. One thing that I have realized while in my small community of scholars is that word travels fast, and often.
A second thing that I have learned is that we are all each other has and must treat each other with, if nothing else, some level of respect. Sasha, why so heart felt you may ask? Because my friends, regardless of their dispositions my fellow classmates are my current world and I do not wish to live in such a place where I feel any negativity, whether it is felt by me or relayed by me. This program, and life truly, is far too short for such petty things.
My Point...? I have none, I just felt that I would like to share my feelings and thoughts with you. I suppose I do have one conclusion: Life, in any situation, is much more tolerably when you do not over burden yourself with judgment.
I love you friends and miss you dearly!

Write here and you could probably win some sort of Chinese things...

Sasha Keener <---That's me!

Institute of Chinese and International Studies

Yunnan Normal University <------That's my school!!!

298 Dec.1 Street (121 Street)

Kunming, Yunnan 650092 <---That's in China

P.R. China <---OMG that IS China

Starting...............Now!

Okay friends, perhaps I was a bit harsh in my initial understanding of the Duke students. While my view still holds for the most part, I have enjoyed getting to know them.

Now that that is off of my chest...

Last night our Chinese Culture class professor took the lot of us out to eat at a Kunming style restaurant (pretty much Amazing, even for us lame vegetarians, which by the way I am one of three!!) Our professor, Qin Laoshi, is very insightful, she lived and grew up in China during the Cultural Revolution and described her experiences to us with a chilling beauty.
Today we orientated ourselves with the campus, professors and classes. We were also assigned language partners, who to some extent are our simi-forced Chinese friends, though I hope mine doesnt feel that way. They are all students studying to be teachers and are very friendly. After we met my partner, Chen Yu Ai and I, went out to grab a cool drink, then she offered to take me out tomorrow to buy a cell phone among other things.
It seems classes start tomorrow friends so I doubt anything of intrest will take place for sometime, but you never know. I do you hope you continue to stay loyal and check up on me here in again!
P.S.
Heres something to leave you with! Turns out that Xiao Hu is not the daughter (>o<) but in fact is the maid! How was I capable of making such an error? I am not sure. I guess I just wasnt able to put two and two together. You would think that with her always cooking, always cleaning along with the fact that there are no pictures of her in the house it would have been a dead give away, but I must be honest I kinda assumed she was just the discarded daughter (I mean it is China). Ah you live an learn! Also, the husband lets me call him big brother, for a guy he is pretty willing to talk with me which it nice, though Bei Bei gets most of the attention!
Oh well. Heres to my first week of classes!

Another reason China is just like home...

There is a train right outside my window! Ah the piercing sound of home!

Introdouching Duke!

Friends I promised myself that I would be nothing but honest with you whilst recoding my life here, that is why I must sadly report that the Duke Students are all Douches! Am I jumping to conclusions? Perhaps, but if you had to spend the excruciatingly painful few hours with them that I had to last night, then I think you would easily come to similar conclusions. How do I define Douche? Lets just say they are less vinegary and more rich, white and privileged(ly). If, friends you are unfortunate enough to understand Willamette dynamics, then times that by oh, one million and you get Duke!
However you should not fear for me friends! You see this actually works to my benefit, after all I did not come all the way to China to meet snobby Americans. No I did in fact come to experience China, and now nothing will hold me back from putting myself out there and meeting Chinese students! Any fears I might have had about introducing myself to students quickly vanish when I only remember the alternative!
Happy Valentines Day Friends

I never want to live in American, ever ever ever again!

Why? You may ask, Because today was the most amazing day of my life! My new friend Nick and I went exploring around Kunming today, and thanks to his powers of navigation, we were able to explore the most fascinating places without getting lost, 多谢Nick;) In short we journeyed to a beautiful lake area with TONS of birds, people, boats but unfortunately no mangoes!! (Aiya). Afterward we went looking for a street that Nicks friend, who had participated in the program last year, said had a lot of foreign restaurants. We got turned around for a while but soon met a really nice Chinese guy (they are all so nice!!) who was able to show us where to go! We found one restaurant in particular called Salvador's (I think that's the name?!), the owner is American. Tonight Nick and another student who arrived today, Dylan, are going there to drink and hang out! That's right, I can finally drink in public!!! Just another reason China is so much better than the US, that is of course not including the fact that you friends reside there, I LOVE that aspect of America!!!!
One other thing friends, its seems that for some reason I can not send my emails out, every time I try my page freezes and turns blank (I can still receive and read them just not send them). However my blog and facebook are working fine. So until I can figure out the issue try and use those (sorry mom I don't know how I can email you!!) Also, (I figured this out by sheer accident) if you want to post a comment on my blog just click on the title of that blog and you will be able to post a comment! I hope to hear from you!

Do you have any extra....everything!?

What would you do if you were half-way around the world and had no underwear?! I would really like to get your feed back because as you see friends while Hong Kong has spotless bathrooms, their baggage department could use some cleaning up. Currently I find myself in China with little more than my laptop, my book and the clothes I was wearing on the plane...for a day and a half. Ah, no matter hopefully it will arrive tomorrow. Until then I will sport the dirty American look, I think I can make it work!
As far as host families go mine is amazing! My host-mother, LiuXin is a professor at the school of international education at Yunnan University (my university!) and speaks English (its a plus for those hard to find words)! Also in the family is her husband ShijinYun and their two children, an adolescent girl, Xiao Hu and an infant aptly nick-named BeiBei! (Baby)! I haven't had the chance to really get to know them all yet, but ShijinYun, though quiet, offered me some packaged fish. I think we will get along swimmingly...HA...HA!
I haven't seen much of the city yet either but LiuXin took me to a local and popular street to get some much needed supplies! The city has such an amazing life to it, in fact just outside my window (I am on the 6th floor of an apartment) are a bunch of vendors selling fruits and veggies But more on that later.
Oh and I almost forgot, I met a student from my program on the plane ride over here (oddly he was sitting directly behind me). His name is Nick he is amazingly friendly! We have already made plans to quote "tear the town up!" Ill let you know how all that goes!
Zaijian my friends!

Hong Kong'd

Dear Friends,
I fell asleep in American and woke up in China. While at first I thought I had been shanghai'd, I soon remembered that I was actually in Hong Kong. The flight here was long but I managed to pass the time with sleep and Chocolate, the movie not the food :(. While in San Fransisco I met Aman, a young adult from Karachi, Pakistan when he came to me to inquire about internet. Unfortunately for him I was also unable to connect and was instead playing a riveting game of Free Cell. Our conversation hit off and we became fast friends. With his superb communication skills he was able to persuade the flight attendant and two entire rows of people to switch places so that we could sit together. While I did forgo my window seat, it was nice havening someone to talk with!
One thing about Hong Kong that I would like to share with you friends, their bathrooms (at least in the airport) are way cleaner than any American bathroom.
Until Kunming!

Back to the future!!!...for the first time?!?

Dear Friends,
In my years at college I have become more and more technologically savvy and as a result am now able to manage a functioning blog! I will refrain from serious gloating, still you should understand that for me this is a rather impressive accomplishment!!
I will arrive in China on the 11th of February, which really isn't the 11th, at least not if you are reading this from America. In that case I'm not quite sure when I really arrive in China , but since everything there is 10 hours ahead of everything here (where you are now), know that whatever it is that I am doing, watching, eating or seeing I am doing it 10 hours before you, and probably for a cheaper price! Really it is as if I am traveling to the future, only to return to the past...whoa!
Since I have yet to depart I find it unnecessary to bore you with stories of my uninteresting American life, though I do promise to supply you with information from the future once I commence time travel!!!